I suppose I should say...

I really don't post on eblogger. However, I post on Xanga "regularly." So, my link is http://www.xanga.com/phoenixmist. Enjoy!

I hate the roller coaster

WARNING: this post contains my rantings at 1:17 am. If you don't want to get mad, etc., don't read, alright?

I feel like everything my friends tells me they admire about me (in essence, me) is the only thing keeping me from figuring out relationships. How's that for irony.

things friends have told me they admire about me:

"for cryin' out loud, you use a hankerchief!"
the way I complement people, just because.
that i'm naive (hm...)
that I tackle people and hug them/ am spontaneous
that I carry on semi-intelligent conversation

In turn, I feel like I'm not part of the "conversation" because I don't understand all the inuendo and slang required. Really, I don't want to expand my "education" any more, but I hate feeling foolish and having people tell me to shush. I HATE it. Shut up yourselves. and get your mind out of the gutter. That's how I feel, but it's not so polite to say.

I complement people. If you look nice, I'll bloody well tell you. I'm not flirting. I haven't mastered that fine art yet. Obviously, tackling people (or in some people's cases, getting within 3 feet of them) is considered flirting. well. so much for passing the peace.

Things I wish I was better at: confronting people. I always encourage people to confront others they feel offended or confused by, because conversation is the only way to communicate. seems simple. I'm no good at it. I'll think over what I'll say over and over, but good luck getting it out.
Plus, I wish I was wittier and much funnier. It would help conversations get going so much faster. As it is, I can freely discuss things I know and understand. I offer many opinions on things I've heard. And, when I have no idea what the topic is about, I feel very left out. It happens often.

Once again, I'll say: A friend is someone that you can talk with for hours on end about absolutely nothing.

pain free is the way to be!

Yea! my neck crick is finally gone!

I, neglector of all things morning pages related (I shower, eat cereal, make tea, watch tv, even go for walks just to avoid sitting down and focusing on writing...hm. i wonder how that's gonna work out for my future as an author?) went home two times in the past week and a half. the significance? i brought back with me my former creative endeavours book, simple acts of moving forward.

While i won't focus on anything too serious in the ten minutes i have before i get a ride in the morning, I can read through a couple of these tips. and I'm more than willing to pick up the book to read, just because of the happy vibe I remember from class: our class project was on playing in the dirt, doing the spa, and getting naked. I laugh every time i think of that presentation!

The good advice i've received so far is that. wait, forget the good advice. the quotes i liked are as follows: "Even a small change can be enough to shock your system that you'll be forced to take some deeper breaths."* "Find one thing to do today that will disrupt your little universe."** "We're so protective of the image that others have of us."***

I miss my dad. I want to go out for Chinese with my sister and dad and order chicken fried rice, fried crab ranguns, fried wontons in that amazing red sweet and sour sauce i could never get enough of, the traditional mild jasmine green tea that was such a part of the meal, tea itself grew on me, the dinky little white china cups with the fine "chinese" designs all around it, the zodiak place mat with all the animals on it, the little old chinese owner? that slept in the corner, and, lest we forget: the fortune cookies that somehow helped the vast amounts of food we consumed settle before we walked back across the street, arm in arm, clutching our three containers of leftovers. and ribs! and quail! mmmmmm.

*p.22; **p.22 context: "Stability is a good thing, but stagnation is not."; ***p.28 context: "We're much too concerned with who we are."

the fairy tale spiel

Hoping a gentleman I like will also like me is a lot like believing in God.

complicated and mind-boggling and hopeful, and, at times, fearful.

When we're children, or at least, when I was a child, I saw couples, particularly my parents having me, and believed I would also find someone to have a relationship with...maybe even better than my parent's was! Someone to tease and fight with and love and cuddle and even pay the bills and budget with. Because my parents did it, logically, I could do likewise.

Hope is fragile. maybe it is tough as well?

It Rains!!!!! and peace comes upon the earth...maybe

http://frededison.free.fr/

ah. the main joy of freshman year...spending time with friends!! I highly recommend walking in a warm rain shower with friends, talking with friends, sitting quietly and reading/writing with friends, poking friends, hugging friends...OR, watching Thomas the Timberwolf with friends. Hugs, Laurie :-D

Ah...Happiness...Music

http://www.folkalley.com/index.php?

Is free to sign on! Is also free to sing with!

My Opinion...and with no doctor references!

For years, I've periodically wondered what people actually think of me, what they say about me when I'm not there (friends say everyone just says how odd I am)...but, does it even matter any more? I feel like I'm offering a different* me, and I'm not sure how it's working out...

If you remember the stories of the Thieves oil I would use as a room incense...you know my friends tolerated me amazing well (there I go again, assuming everyone's tolerating me...hm. That's a bad mindset to have. argh. I shall squash that idea!!! *grinds heel into gravel* Wait, how exactly will that help, anyway? hehehe.) ANYWAY, cinnamon, cloves, lemon, rosemary, eucalyptus...basic ingredients ~ smells great! (Well, according to David, they smell like clove cigarettes...I just don't know where the cigarette smell comes from. Maybe clove cigarettes just smell like cloves? SO, this fine oil kills just about everything (tested at Weber State University in Ogden, Utah, and found to kill 99.96% of airborne bacteria...way cool, huh!**)

Which leads me to Dragon Time—a fine oil blend (made of fennel, jasmine, marjoram, lavender, clary sage and yarrow) Gary Young created for his wife, which balances hormones... and makes you smell like a licorice stick, but it's SO worth it! My ankles now smell like licorice, and I am no longer depressed. Seems like a fair trade off. My friends keep pledging their undying love, so no consequence more than wrinkled noses.

As I told my mom, it's like my base emotion has changed. Instead of being depressed, with moments of joy, sorrow, anger, etc., I now am (mostly) content with moments of joy, sorrow, anger, etc. And, I’m a whole lot less anxious now than in years. I guess my wish to be comfortable in my own skin has finally come true, and I'm glad. It's taken too long! Because, for about 10 years, I've sort of been in a scared bubble where I internalized almost everything. It's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time telling stories—I just don't have experience. I've been working on it, though. So, have patience with me, please. After all, everything is story.

I guess I hid*** it rather well, ‘cuz no one seems to recognize any difference. I guess my friends just always brought out the wacky/weird/odd/fun/hyper in me...but, seriously, didn't I ever seem melancholy?

*new, better, different...they're all such modernistic concepts...lol! can we ever escape?
**D. Gary Young, N.D., An Introduction to Young Living Essential Oils, p. 66.
***And I wasn't ever trying!

ah, love, my people :-D

HAPPINESS

Today is a lovely day. This has been a lovely week. I wish I knew how to convey story better!
To start off with, last Friday, I got to spend quality time w/ G! it was great. It started off with a lot of ice bars while we waited for Rachel to get out of class. Then we went to G's and broke in her Season 1 of House DVDs...brilliant, that's all I have to say. I think I fell upon House at a perfect time in my life (to do so). House's vulnerability makes me want to cry at times, and I want to say I can relate to Cameron (but I'm sure I'll get shot down, inevitably), so I'll just say I'm intrigued by her great secret. Plus, I don't think House is all the jerk he's cracked up to be.

This past Tuesday, I got to spend some much-needed and way cool quality time with the cheerio bandits, plus some. Was AMAZING! I was quite stressed about bowling...had completely forgotten how, since I haven't done it in about 10 years or so (I think)...and at one point I bowled a strike, so all that bumper bowling I did when I was four sure payed off!!! which always makes me think of my cousin (uncle matt) cussing me out for some unknown reason. I love you, Matt! :-)
Then, House, Then, Starbucks. G and Trev ROCK. plus, I think they might have been right about the overall English program at c-stone...but that's a much later discussion topic. right now I'm clinging to the impression I received from Colonial Lit and how well it meshed with PHI classes. so there. I'm now thoroughly amazed, intrigued, and pleased with the Pumpkin Spice coffee-based frapaccino...

Which leads me to wednesday night, which I nearly spent writing my section of the foodservice story, but instead turned into Jackie night (because, that just has to happen!) So, I and my Jackie love walked to Starbucks, at 9 at night, because we were together, didn't want to sit, and coffee products sounded fine...I learned there are two bases for the Pumpkin Spice frapaccino. One is a coffee base. The other is a cream base. I told them it was a light orange color. I got the cream base. I was wrong in assuming the cream base also had coffee. Much sorrow ensued. But good conversation was not detered!!!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Which leads to my pit crew's reaction to a frapaccino with NO coffee: "What? No coffee? that's like a ccino...without the frap!" The looks of complete horror were priceless.
Work has been going amazingly well!!! I'm so pleased with my new pit crews. Once again, I'm fully enjoying working the dishroom...there's a lovely organization to the chaos. Depending on the 15 minute span, I have between 7 and 3 workers...7 at the high points (meaning 3 floaters part of the time) and 3 when I have to beg Bill's favor :-) fortunately, he likes me, plus, I let him do his pans in the pit when he helps. I've learned a lot about my instruction methods, and I think I've grown better at it. Last semester, I nearly panicked the first few weeks, trying to teach everyone everything as quickly as possible...and I failed miserably. Instead of teaching my crew everything, once they had learned something, I left them to it, because it made the pit run efficiently...as long as they were all there.
This year, I've realized I can teach each person one job each day, and then the next day they work, switch them all around...it's worked swell, especially since my mwf and th shifts are mostly the same (what's been even more fun is fitting in the new workers I've gotten in the past week!)
All I have to say is that my pit crew has spirit!!! They make me laugh, and it's like we're continually high--we laugh about everything! We're crazy! i.e., Jared's idea for pit shirts that read FRONT: PIT HAPPENS; BACK: CORNERSTONE UNIVERSITY FOOD SERVICE. I love the idea!!! so, we're all gonna buy our own shirts and get some iron-on transfers and print them up :-D

On a more sober note, I think I might be taking my Pop's advice to "look out for number one." I guess it's true that I can't keep waiting for Cornerstone to offer me a job...Cindy's allowed me to continue working these past two semesters, but there is absolutely no job security, and I now have very real bills amounting to 700$+ each month (really, it should be 900+), and having no job security is a stress. Please do pray that God brings a buyer for my Dad's house...that'd be great!

This Saturday, I finally got around to finishing my section of the foodservice story and sending it on its merry way (with 2 completely new characters and 3 named characters, which brings the number of character backstories I have to write up to six!! yea, me :-). Everyone tells me I need to write (after all, that's what I say I want to do ~ part of the time), so I expect I shall start writing again...would love it if anyone would offer to read what I've already written and would offer advice, before I start coming to each and everyone of my writing friends and beg you in person to read it...

And that leaves only today, Sunday, or, better, First day. Work went well: cook's help went well. I listened to Iron and Wine Our Endless Numbered Days before I let it get borrowed out. Then, I was drink/dessert worker during lunch and NO ONE (that I heard anyway) complained when the oreo pie ran out. So I lived in a blissful little world. And, at Burghart's home church, during community sharing, one member mentioned how she has to give her testimony, and how, because of the type of church dynamics she embraces, that will take great care, effort, and diplomacy. I felt like hugging the world by the shoulders (well, at least my church) because that's exactly how I feel every day about Fellowship: It's very complex.
LOVE TO ALL